Parents/Parenting

I first heard Cat Stevens' song Father and Son, in the late 70's.  I am pretty sure I owned the 8-track tape, although I can't say on which album the song was contained.  I do remember that my reaction to the lyrics and sentiment was immediate and extreme.  And, of course, I identified with the son.

Recently I heard the lyrics again.  My reaction was no less immediate or extreme.  But I was forced to realize that my identification had changed.  I was the father now. 

How did that happen? Where did the time go?  All questions for some future blog.  For now, Father and Son.


Father


It's not time to make a change,

Just relax, take it easy.

You're still young, that's your fault,

There's so much you have to know.

Find a girl, settle down,

If you want you can marry.

Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,

To be calm when you've found something going on.

But take your time, think a lot,

Why, think of everything you've got.

For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

--

As a son, I was never a fan of the lines, "It's not time to make a change, Just relax, take it easy."  To me, youth is exactly the time for change, exactly the time for restlessness.  I was certainly restless, searching for the changes that would help me understand myself, my world and my part in it.  Now, so many years later, I am still an advocate for change.  Not just for the young but for all ages.  Stagnation remains my least favorite state, the status quo my always questioned foe.

"You're still young, that's your fault, There's so much you have to know."  These lines could certainly not be understood then, by me, as they cannot be understood now by our sons (and daughters).  Only through the eyes of time do we realize all that we did not know when we were young.  I often tell young people that they have the luxury of selfishness at this point in their lives but it is a luxury that slowly fades as we move from children to child caregivers.  And like all luxuries, it is frequently taken for granted.

I can clearly remember the day, alone in my basement apartment that I prayed for a young lady to enter my life.  Of course, in retrospect my prayers may not have been driven by a spiritual need, but fortunately for me they were answered anyway.   So, I heartily concur with the lines

"Find a girl, settle down, If you want you can marry."

I especially like the option of marriage as opposed to the command to get married.  It is the finding of the partner that is so critical.  As for the settle down part, I would encourage a nice lengthy unsettling time filled with curiosity about each other, maybe some travel, and an openness to the new.  Discovery on ones own is wonderful, but with a partner, well that is priceless.  Now, of course, I hope my children think that I feel that

"...I am old, but I'm happy."

The easiest thing for parents to say, and probably the least effective is

"I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,"

But we will say it anyway; just try to limit it to once a week.

As for

"To be calm when you've found something going on."

Forget it.  Harness those emotions, perhaps, but fore go calm.  Be loud, be obnoxious, be boisterous when you've found something going on.  Like those young people protesting on Wall Street this past week, like myself when we clambered on buses and went to Washington DC for anti-nuclear power rallies, voice your opinion.  There is plenty of time to be calm when you are focused on your family and getting a good job and paying the mortgage.  (I think they are the calm activities?!).  Even if you are uncalm for the wrong reasons, when you don't fully understand why Wall Street's denizens need to be protested or why nuclear energy has problems, eschew calmness even in the face of corporate talking heads and your best friends' father who works at a nuclear facility.

"But take your time, think a lot"

Take your time evokes the same image as be calm, and I won't have it.  I like "think a lot" but wonder if that is my bias as a result of aging (perhaps maturing is a better word here).  Think a lot as opposed to just following the herd, but not if it begets a reluctance or inability for action.  I think that our current president thinks a lot, perhaps as much as any we have had in the recent past.  But maybe the thinking is getting in the way of action on his part to make his thoughts into policy. 

"Why, think of everything you've got" is another line that I believe virtually impossible for the young to comprehend.   They lack the experience to compare and contrast.  I didn't respond to it then and I would avoid that line as a parent now.

"For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not."

That must be the most depressing line of the song.  It is surely the leading cause of the young's avoidance of growing up.  Let's hope that while the dreams may change, they are still alive.  I see far too many people in their 40's and 50's who have lost their dreams and/or not been able to formulate new ones.  It is no way to live; one might even say not living at all.  I have been fortunate in that I rediscovered my dream of writing and, unlike dreams that require physical prowess or energy, writing only requires a bit of time and thought.  You will still be here tomorrow, and bring your dreams along is my advice.

---

Son

How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.


It's always been the same, same old story.

From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.

Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.

I know I have to go.


All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,

It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.

If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them They know not me.

Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.

I know I have to go.

---
 
As a son, and like so many other sons, I found it difficult to "try to explain".   Not because my parents wouldn't listen, they were extremely open to my thoughts.  It was more because I was convinced that their time was not my time, as I am sure my children think today.  At the least, we need to be open to their explanations, even if they don't make sense or are immature.  After all, they are children.  What we must not do is "turn away again" and allow them to think our response is and will always be "..the same, same old story."  Our worst response, one which will drive them away both physically and emotionally is similar to the "children are best seen and not heard" philosophy that some of our parents were raised by, or, as Cat Stevens says "From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen."
 
"..there's a way and I know that I have to go away.  I know I have to go."
 
This is one of those lines that reminds me how immature my understanding of life was in the heady times of my youth.  For a short period of time, "I have to go away" meant literally, leaving the earth.  I was far too important to just go away by moving out.  I had to go away permanently.  I am not talking about an actual death wish, but I certainly engaged in some activities that were less than healthy.  It was mostly subconscious of course, but so clear today.  Luckily, the "go away" part became a lust for travel and then finally just moving out.  In the song, Cat Stevens does not seem to sing that line with any malice, but I am sure that "going away" for some sons meant hurting ones parents in the process.  When Kevin Costner in "Field of Dreams" recounts leaving home he remembers it as "I packed my things, said something awful and left".  Consciously or subconsciously, all our sons and daughters dream of going away, which includes leaving the stifling influence of their parents behind.  Knowing we smother them, even if with love, might make their going easier.  It will certainly make the coming back more comfortable when they pass from sons to fathers and daughters to mothers.
 
Finally,
 
"All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them They know not me.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away."

I don't remember crying all that much as a young adult.  Strange, but I seem to be more prone to tears as I age.  Is it that I ignored all the things I knew inside as I navigated the seas of expectations involved in being a spouse, an employee, a father?  Is it that I now understand who I am and hence the line "it's them They know not me" has finally come to be an actual fact? 

Perhaps it is the arrogance of experience that tells us that the young can't possibly know who they are because we are still trying to figure out ourselves to this day.  Or perhaps the young do know who they are but the answer is even more disturbing for us because they know who they are not - us.

For me, Father and Son evokes all the emotions of growing up, and growing from knowing everything, to thinking you know something, to knowing how much you never knew, to just being happy that 

as Cheryl Crowe aptly stated

it is not knowing what you want its wanting what you've got.